I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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