yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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