I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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