I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
