Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
