you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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