insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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