I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've blown a few things in my day
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
