So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
