shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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