Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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