Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
