i just sent this text using only my big toe
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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