he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
