Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
