The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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