Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
