Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
