rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
