I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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