smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
