Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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