we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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