jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize