the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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