At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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