'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
