just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
