Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just cut my nipple shaving
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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