Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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