i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
