Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
