I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
