If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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