I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
