drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
