Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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