I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
