I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
