Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
