my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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