Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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