So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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