my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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