He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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