I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
