I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
