Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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