I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
