I just saw a hot homeless man
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
