aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
