I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
