I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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