Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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