It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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