i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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