Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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