My room smells like vodka and shame
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
