2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
