i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
