my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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