I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nutella sex= disaster
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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