2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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