i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
